i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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