i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
