I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
