I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
