at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Send help, water and tortillas.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
