i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
