your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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