I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
