this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
