I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
