Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
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my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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