I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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