Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
