i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
