So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
