Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
