Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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