I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
