my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
