new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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