from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My cat gives me a boner
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
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