The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
