Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
