I cockslap morals
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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