I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
