Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
