dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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