I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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