I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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