I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
