I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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