Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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