my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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