Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
