im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
zippers are such a cool invention
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
