i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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