I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
