Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
