I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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