Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
