have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
