i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
