I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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