i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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