Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
