You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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