you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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