Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
