I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
