We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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