Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
