my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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