I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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