im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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