we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
