i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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