Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
